I'm fighting with myself right now.
Part of me is telling me I have to grow up.
Part of me is telling me that I don't need to.
That I can continue living like a little boy.
That I can prove to people that I'm mature, independent, self-reliant.
That I can be anything if I want to be.
But that I don't need to prove it to anyone.

I don't want to feel like I have to change who I am just because it's not 'acceptable'.
I want to be whomever I am.
But being yourself comes at a price.
Maybe things are different here.
Different from how they are back home.
If that's the case then part of me wants to pack up my bags and go back home.
But part of me wants to stay.
Needs to stay.
Because that's the responsible part.
The part of me that realises why I'm doing this.
And for whom.

Maybe I act this way because it makes me feel comfortable around my family.
But that's the private persona.
The part of you that stays with your family.
The part of me that stays 4000 miles away.

I like having fun, but I think the problem is that my brain can't separate the fun that a 12 year old has and the fun that a mature adult has.
Maybe that's because I didn't have any fun when I was a 12 year old.
Maybe I feel like I'm compensating for the fun I missed out on.
But I've been compensating for too long.

Maybe I need to realise when enough is enough.
When I feel like I'm about to cross the line, I have to stop.
I have to force myself to realise what I'm doing.

I don't think I push myself over the edge too often.
But it's obvious enough that people notice it.
Maybe it's the environment that I'm in that allows me to behave this way.
Maybe it's the influences that I have around me.
Do I remove these influences?

Maybe, like all other things in my life, this could be solved by having a girlfriend.
Maybe, even worse, this could be solved by losing a girlfriend.
Going through the heartache and the possibility that it's all your fault might be the shock needed wake me up from this dream world.
The shock that could make me grow up.
Finally.